忘れ物をしたよ 昨日に
それを明日 探しに行くよ
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忘れられない桜の季節の話

I was about to shutdown my PC but then stopped because I'm not going to be able to go to sleep in this condition so I'm going to let myself write as I like in any language I want, in any that's comfortable for me. It's kinda like self-therapy so I'm not going to care about grammar much...maybe some because I don't want to find tons of mistakes afterwards.

 

And I know that I can't write much in English. 日本語のほうが色々書けるよそりゃ。でも今は英語。My thoughts' occupied by? with? English and I know exactly why this is happening. I'm reading a book out of neccessity...though it is an enjoyable book so far, very educational, by which I mean not as a student but as a person, a human being. I didn't think I could still read an English book, not a juvenile one, so fast. Maybe not as fast as I have, maybe not any faster than the average, maybe not even reaching it, but at least much faster than I thought. But then, same with Japanese books too, it's taking control over me, not letting me do anything else but to think about the contents. It's something about death, and all of a sudden I'm forced to think back with my 別れ with my beloved grandmother 10 years ago.

 

She asked me,というのは頼む、懇願するという感じなんだけど、to remember her, to not forget her. A word like a curse, she didn't have to say that at all because how could I forget her anyways? But then she must have had to say that out loud, she must have had to hear herself saying that with her own voice, to see me reacting to that utterance. I don't remember how I reacted, did I cry? Did I get angry? I don't remember at all, the shock was big enough for a 16-year-old. I wonder if I was good to her in the end, oh, how I wish so.

 

I remember myself making a 人形 of my brother and I out of フェルト looking into a book given by her. It's not really us of course, but I found a boy and girl figure and chose フェルト that will match our skin color (we're quite different in that sense). I don't remember how she reacted when I gave it to her...or did I ever give it to her? I mean, it was hers, I did make it and she was given it, but was it I who handed it to her? Maybe my mother or aunt. I remember whichever lady saying that my grandmother always 挨拶する to the dolls put in sight from her bed. It was 嬉しいこと、for I wanted to stay close to her and was happy to know that she, in a critical situation, still wished us around her.

 

One thing I cannot forget, and probably in a positive sense, is that she chose to take her grandchildren with her to...heaven, or whereever she has gone after death. I didn't know this decision until after she died. When we were preparing her 棺、my aunt (or was it my mother?) told me that my grandma wished to take us with her, to have the dolls put inside the 棺 so that she won't be alone. I can still cry when I remember this moment. She, of course, can't and won't take our lives, but she still wanted us, after death, even after she "disappeared" from this world. Did it comfort her any? Did it relieve her from any loneliness or fear? I do hope so, I truly do hope so.

 

mmm, I didn't mean to write this when I started writing this, but well, I have. It must have been something I wanted to write so bad. I feel a little bit comforted now, so that maybe I could start thinking about going to bed. I still got lots to do left, lots to plan for, plenty of homework for tomorrow (metaphorically), but oh well. Let me rest. I know I need rest both mentally and physically.

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